Dear Fucktards ,
Hi there, I’d really like to thank you for helping me to start my week off with a bang! It was really nice to come out this morning and find upon entering my vehicle (the part where I said ‘my’ is key here) that some scum wad lamer fucktard had stolen my 30GB Video iPod! I also really enjoyed how you made me late for work as I got to hang around talking to the cop while he dusted my car for prints, he found a couple that were usable so I can only hope that: 1-they are not my prints, and 2-that you are the kind of inbred ass who’s been busted before and are on file. I also appreciate how you damaged the lock on my car door so I can no longer put my key into it and use it to unlock the vehicle!! That was COOL you gansta you!!! Luckily for me I also have keyless entry, so I can still lock and unlock my vehicle if I don’t happen to have a decent screwdriver with me!
Just a couple notes for you on the iPod and the Monster cable you stole so you’ll have a better ‘experience’. That Monster cable has been in use going on 3 years now and it’s pretty much at the ‘end of life’ for a wire, I hope it sets your family and car on fire while your all sleeping in it tonight!
The iPod itself was actually purchased in early 2005 and the battery does not hold a charge for as long as the specifications state it should, so you’ll need to keep it plugged in if you want to listen for extended periods of time. Also, you’ll find that using the device to watch video will really drain that sucker quick so I hope you can watch your porn on fast forward and read lips…. No not THOSE lips, the ones up on the actresses skull….
I was actually already going to replace that iPod with an iPhone, I have a need for one being as I’m developing an application for them anyway. But I’d just like you to know you basically ripped off a 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome since I was going to be giving it (my old iPod) to my son once I got the iPhone. Since I don’t believe in the whole ‘god’ thing I can’t really wish you to burn in hell, that would just be kind of silly….. Just like believing in a ‘God’….
I can however hope for this:
You also, in the course of your burglary of my vehicle, decided to steal my back up sunglasses. First may I just say that you have really great taste in eyewear, what you stole were a pair of Rayban’s (model W2178) that I have had since 1994 (yeah I take good care of my stuff). The funny thing about those glasses are that in all the time I’ve had them I’ve never once seen another person wearing a pair of them… We live in a fairly small town here, please, please, please wear them in public!!! I can only hope that I get to see them placed gently atop your cranium at one point in the near or distant future as I will be making them a permanent part of your skeletal structure…. As your a moronic mouth breathing violently infected penis wrinkle let me explain what his means…. I’m going to be smashing them extremely vigorously and with great speed into your skull, as they will be between my fist and your face!!! So enjoy them while you can!!!
–be sure to look for a future ‘Open Letter’ for Apple in regards to their ‘help’ in this situation!!!