I’m severely disappointed with my set tonight, and myself… noisy crowd and then I screwed myself up by going off track in the middle of a bit and lost my place…. definitely the worst set I’ve ever done… yet… but I’m quite certain I could do worse…
And it’s annoying, all the more, as this is the first time I’ve tried to get video… but I’m still going to post it (the video) sometime tomorrow after I edit out Rainman who led me in… Hope you all have sweet dreams… I’ll be flogging myself for most of the evening…
Thank you for your support…
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Posted on Jan 14, 2010 in Comedy, Entertainment, Funny, geek stuff, Humor, Life, Random, Science, stand up, Thoughts
Why has there never been a ‘Hot Theoretical Physicists’ magazine… I mean admittedly it’d have to probably be a semi-annual publication at best… I mean understand they’d all have to be at least fully to semi-fully clothed… cause at some point Stephen Hawking would make it in there and NO ONE really wants to see that in a state of undress… no one…
But under THOSE QUALIFICATIONS I think I could be IN that magazine… I mean, I could be a Physicist… Theoretically…
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Posted on Jan 13, 2010 in Atheism, Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Funny, Humor, Movies, philosophy, Rants, Religion, stand up, Thoughts
So the Pope thinks Avatar is sappy and over simplified…
You’d think he’d love it, as the entire text he’s devoted his life too IS ALSO sappy and over simplified… But WAIT, it’s also got BAD POETRY AND IS WAAAYYY TOO MUCH OF A DOWNER IN THE END!!!…
SO, I’m gonna spend my money on Avatar in 3-D IMAX….. at least until the Pope gets production values in the Vatican up to ‘Piranha part 2: The Spawning’ standards before I start considering him for bigger projects…
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Posted on Jan 12, 2010 in Comedy, Entertainment, Family, Friends, Funny, geek stuff, Humor, Life, Random, Rants, stand up, Technology
So this friend of mine comes up to me the other day… and he says: Ed, I notice alot of your jokes start with a friend or family member who comes up to you and asks you a question alot…. What’s UP WITH THAT?!?!?!?….
It’s simple really… I WIKI!!!!…. I’m the answer guy… so piss off….
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Posted on Jan 12, 2010 in Comedy, Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Life, philosophy, Random, Rants, stand up, Thoughts
I feel Pretty…
… I was standing there this morning… in the nude… let that image sink in for a second there ladies… …. …. and my wife goes, “What are you DOING!!! I’ve gotta go to work I don’t have time for SEX!!!”… which wasn’t even on my mind… …. till she SAID IT!!…
but I was just getting dressed, didn’t say anything… not even the “hey ya wanna?!?!” pleading look that every guy does… i wasn’t even thinking of sex… it made me feel like such a piece of meat, like an object or a ’sex toy’ if you will…. dirty…
THAT WAS KINDA COOL!!!, is that what hot girls feel like all the time?!?!?! Cause I get it now…
Silly Putty…
A friend of mine recently said, “All I can say is that time is like Silly Putty”….
I got caught shoplifting Silly Putty when I was a kid…
This made me think…
So what your saying is that: What I was trying to steal was time… Which is really a construct of our particular planets orbit around our particular star in combination with it’s rotation… Which is irrelevant on a universal or infinite scale…
I knew that Security Guard at Montgomery Wards was full of shit… Permanent record my ass…
I’m just waiting for some moron in the audience to say God is like a Slinky… I’ll fucking lose it!!…
It’s the end of the world (2012)….
All this 2012 end of the world hype pisses me off…. it’s bullshit!!….
Seriously, Orson Wells told my generation in the 80’s that Nostradamus predicted the end of the world in 90’s…. So your all on borrowed time as far as I’m concerned….
It’s just obvious to me, and anyone else not on mescaline, that the Mayan’s simply made their calenders for ONE 4000 year period at a time…. they didn’t have PAPER PEOPLE!!!… carving SHIT IN STONE IS HARD AND TIME CONSUMING!!!!… I’m almost certain they didn’t foresee the end of their civilization and thought they’d have time to MAKE ANOTHER CALENDER!!!…
But I also think the Mayan slutty shop girl calender casting call must have been HUGE!!!…. That’s like 48,000 chicks man!!…
***Put Mic in stand and do***
Ping Zing Advertising…
Ping Zing precision engineered clubs are the ONLY clubs on the market today with the PROVEN accuracy to beat Tiger…
When a Man loves a woman….
I’ve never cheated on a woman in my life….
The reasons for this are twofold: ONE—My mom shot her second husband when I was 14… It’s ok, really, he’s STILL an asshole!… and TWO—I never really dated anyone seriously until I was 15….
I have a couple pieces of advice for any ladies out there who may be in the initial planning stages….
First, always choose the right tools for the job…. It’s like being a plumber…. Don’t try and shoot someone who’s oh, I don’t know six foot something and 220 pounds with a .22 caliber pistol…. General rule, use height divided by two equals the caliber, just drop the decimal…. So for say 6 ft tall a .357 to .44 magnum would suffice…. 10 foot tall guy!… Desert Eagle .50 caliber….
Second, and I can’t stress this part enough…. Practice, Practice, Practice…. Range trigger time translates to SUCCESS!!!
Third, always aim for here (point to head) or here (point to chest), NEVER here (point to groin)… The reason you don’t shoot here (point to groin) is because you WON’T KILL HIM and you’ll have to pay for the reconstructive surgery…. And I PROMISE you he’ll be ordering the BIGGER DICK…
So Basically, if you shoot here (point to groin), your just making the next whore he cheats with happier!!!
***if time do***
Busted By the Lord…
Once when I was 6 or 7 and at my Grandfather’s Vacation Bible School… yeah, vacation… WHEEE, some kids get Disneyland I got snake handling and speaking in tongues….
There was this guy who was about 35 that I guess was supposed to be a ‘youth pastor’ or something…. he’d walk around during the recess period in a little kids sheriff outfit with the straw hat,… the little belt with the cap gun and the little plastic handcuffs… the whole bit… one day I got busted for some reason… I don’t recall what it was… he probably overheard me telling some other kid that god was a construct of the human races collective unconscious guilt complex…
So he handcuffed me to a flag pole with my hands around the pole!!!… And walks away!!!….. It’s funny because in today’s world….. if someone drove down the street and saw a kid…. handcuffed…. to a flag pole…… they would either report it to child services!!!… Or they’d think it was a free kid to abduct…. either way nothing good would come of that situation today…
It would be reported is all I’m saying… unless it was a Catholic Church of course… cause they have a LOT of flagpoles inside apparently…
Another funny point to this story is the guy forgot I was chained there… so I was out there like an hour before I just broke the stupid things… they were plastic after all… so of course when the guy told Gramps I got the switch….
Memories…. they really are precious, precious portals through time aren’t they…
—again this is a temp post for a set this week—-
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