Thurs Set List (temp post will be gone soon)…

I feel Pretty…

… I was standing there this morning… in the nude…  let that image sink in for a second there ladies…    ….   ….   and my wife goes, “What are you DOING!!! I’ve gotta go to work I don’t have time for SEX!!!”…  which wasn’t even on my mind…  ….  till she SAID IT!!…

but I was just getting dressed, didn’t say anything… not even the “hey ya wanna?!?!” pleading look that every guy does…  i wasn’t even thinking of sex…  it made me feel like such a piece of meat, like an object or a ’sex toy’ if you will….  dirty…

THAT WAS KINDA COOL!!!, is that what hot girls feel like all the time?!?!?! Cause I get it now…

Silly Putty…

A friend of mine recently said, “All I can say is that time is like Silly Putty”….

I got caught shoplifting Silly Putty when I was a kid…

This made me think…

So what your saying is that: What I was trying to steal was time… Which is really a construct of our particular planets orbit around our particular star in combination with it’s rotation… Which is irrelevant on a universal or infinite scale…

I knew that Security Guard at Montgomery Wards was full of shit…  Permanent record my ass…

I’m just waiting for some moron in the audience to say God is like a Slinky…  I’ll fucking lose it!!…

It’s the end of the world (2012)….

All this 2012 end of the world hype pisses me off….  it’s bullshit!!….

Seriously, Orson Wells told my generation in the 80’s that Nostradamus predicted the end of the world in 90’s….  So your all on borrowed time as far as I’m concerned….

It’s just obvious to me, and anyone else not on mescaline, that the Mayan’s simply made their calenders for ONE 4000 year period at a time….  they didn’t have PAPER PEOPLE!!!…  carving SHIT IN STONE IS HARD AND TIME CONSUMING!!!!…  I’m almost certain they didn’t foresee the end of their civilization and thought they’d have time to MAKE ANOTHER CALENDER!!!…

But I also think the Mayan slutty shop girl calender casting call must have been HUGE!!!…. That’s like 48,000 chicks man!!…

***Put Mic in stand and do***

Ping Zing Advertising…

Ping Zing precision engineered clubs are the ONLY clubs on the market today with the PROVEN accuracy to beat Tiger…

When a Man loves a woman….

I’ve never cheated on a woman in my life….

The reasons for this are twofold: ONE—My mom shot her second husband when I was 14… It’s ok, really, he’s STILL an asshole!… and TWO—I never really dated anyone seriously until I was 15….

I have a couple pieces of advice for any ladies out there who may be in the initial planning stages….

First, always choose the right tools for the job….  It’s like being a plumber….  Don’t try and shoot someone who’s oh, I don’t know six foot something and 220 pounds with a .22 caliber pistol….  General rule, use height divided by two equals the caliber, just drop the decimal….  So for say 6 ft tall a .357 to .44 magnum would suffice….  10 foot tall guy!…  Desert Eagle .50 caliber….

Second, and I can’t stress this part enough…. Practice, Practice, Practice….  Range trigger time translates to SUCCESS!!!

Third, always aim for here (point to head) or here (point to chest), NEVER here (point to groin)… The reason you don’t shoot here (point to groin) is because you WON’T KILL HIM and you’ll have to pay for the reconstructive surgery…. And I PROMISE you he’ll be ordering the BIGGER DICK…

So Basically, if you shoot here (point to groin), your just making the next whore he cheats with happier!!!

***if time do***

Busted By the Lord…

Once when I was 6 or 7 and at my Grandfather’s Vacation Bible School…  yeah, vacation… WHEEE, some kids get Disneyland I got snake handling and speaking in tongues….

There was this guy who was about 35 that I guess was supposed to be a ‘youth pastor’ or something….  he’d walk around during the recess period in a little kids sheriff outfit with the straw hat,… the little belt with the cap gun and the little plastic handcuffs… the whole bit…  one day I got busted for some reason… I don’t recall what it was… he probably overheard me telling some other kid that god was a construct of the human races collective unconscious guilt complex…

So he handcuffed me to a flag pole with my hands around the pole!!!…  And walks away!!!…..  It’s funny because in today’s world…..   if someone drove down the street and saw a kid….  handcuffed….   to a flag pole…… they would either report it to child services!!!…  Or they’d think it was a free kid to abduct…. either way nothing good would come of that situation today…

It would be reported is all I’m saying…  unless it was a Catholic Church of course…  cause they have a LOT of flagpoles inside apparently…

Another funny point to this story is the guy forgot I was chained there…  so I was out there like an hour before I just broke the stupid things… they were plastic after all…  so of course when the guy told Gramps I got the switch….

Memories…. they really are precious, precious portals through time aren’t they…


—again this is a temp post for a set this week—-


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