I like it when people ask me if I need anything before they come over…

I’ll say “nipple clamps and peanut butter”…

That persons response, and how quickly they get to the house after we hang up, tells you a lot about a person…

If your ever on a flight with say 26 unruly children here’s what you do…

FIRST you wait until your in the air, that is KEY to this plan…

Then you tell the nearest child, who’s parent isn’t doing their job anyway, otherwise why would this little slobber factory be bothering you…

So you tell the nearest child, “I speak to the lord frequently and he’s told me you shall be barren.”

Those parents will keep their kids away from you…  Word will get around…

Have you ever bought a green shake from McDonald’s, IN OCTOBER…  that was not INTENDED to be a green shake…

Then you may understand why I’ll pass on the Shamrock shake… It’s just an excuse for them not to clean out the vanilla shake machine for about a month…

I like to go to hardware stores and make the cashiers paranoid…  Did you ever do this?  Try it, it’s fun…

You go to Home Depot and get Duct Tape, Vinyl Gloves, bleach, large garbage bags and paper towels…

… a gallon of Olive Oil and Twister…

… a chainsaw, several cases of cat food and 10 kitty sized bear traps…

…a Yugo and a warranty…

You get the idea…

I heard another story recently about a beautiful young Playboy model/actress that got brutally murdered/killed again…

How come they never kill the OLDER ANNOYING Playboy model/actresses?….  Bridgette…  Do we really need to see that anymore?!?!?…   Holly Madison?…   Horrid, she REALLY thinks Chris Angel is a TALENTED MAGICIAN so…  stop the gene pool pollution there please…

You’d think Hef would have some kind of classes for the girls by now…  Maybe “Don’t Leave the Damned Bar Without Security 101″ something like that…