THIS IS MY TONGUE…

THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!!!

I must master it as I must master my timing.

Without me, my tongue is useless.

Without my tongue, I am useless, and kind of gross.

I must undulate my tongue true….

I must prattle on straighter than the enemy (heckler) who is trying to blather at me.

I must talk OVER HIM before he interrupts me.

I will.

I’m kind of an anal retentive OCD afflicted…  well, asshole…  But that’s not the point…

I just strive to do everything I do right and I expect all of you to do the same dammit!…

But my point is I hate when your watching TV and the schedule is wrong, you know the one on the TV…

I was looking the other day and I see on Lifetime… Fuck You, it’s research…

So it say’s ‘Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolitta Story’ with Alyssa Milano so that’s hot right?

And since we’re about the same age it’s not “icky”…

Hit the switch to go on over there and what’s on?… ‘The Mary Kay Literno Story’ w/Penelope Ann Miller…

Yeah, absolutely the wrong kind of child molestation for me…

You can’t do that, I mean I’m not a molester but there are molesters out there trying to not molest…

They are counting on you to be accurate Lifetime so they don’t rape children…

You can’t promise them one type of child molestation and then deliver another it’s all I’m trying to get across here…

I’m kind of sick of the Oil Spill, it’s only been a month and we’ve all been raging at BP the whole time…

Is anyone else starting to feel like the mean girls in ‘Carrie’, throwing tampons at a cowering BP in the corner, screaming Plug it UP, Plug it UP!!!

Obama is like the gym coach, protecting BP from the crowd…

Halliburton is the psycho uber religious Mommy, locking BP in the closet to pray for 18 hours at a stretch…

This perpetual Oil Spill in the Gulf is a mess,

Now I know I’m just a simple ex-soldier/comic but couldn’t the Navy just blow the well?…

Wait even BETTER idea…

Let’s get Navy UDT to team up with the Porn Industry to blow the well?…

And bonus, with money as tight as it is these days, the Porn Industry could also re-task that Oil Spill as lube…

I was going to suggest they use hookers from New Orleans at first,…

but since Katrina there aren’t enough of them left with the experience to blow a well…

Every time I see a commercial for Marmaduke I can’t help it I think to myself, OSCAR!!!

What’s with Owen Wilson’s material lately?…

Is it just me or is Owen Wilson like the Bizarro version of Matthew McConaughey?…

Think about it, you could interchange them both into any movie the other has done and NOTHING is going to be off about it…     I mean other than the script itself…

Well except the nose…  But you get my point it’s the same accent, same hair, same perfectly chiseled abs…

Bastards.