Just a quick link to one of my favorite sites:  God is Imaginary...

Once when I was 6 or 7 and at my Grandfather’s Vacation Bible School…  yeah, vacation… WHEEE, some kids get Disneyland I got snake handling and speaking in tongues….

There was this guy who was about 35 that I guess was supposed to be a ‘youth pastor’ or something….  he’d walk around during the recess period in a little kids sheriff outfit with the straw hat,… the little belt with the cap gun and the little plastic handcuffs… the whole bit…  one day I got busted for some reason… I don’t recall what it was… he probably overheard me telling some other kid that god was a construct of the human races collective unconscious guilt complex…

So he handcuffed me to a flag pole with my hands around the pole!!!…  And walks away!!!…..  It’s funny because in today’s world…..   if someone drove down the street and saw a kid….  handcuffed….   to a flag pole…… they would either report it to child services!!!…  Or they’d think it was a free kid to abduct…. either way nothing good would come of that situation today…

It would be reported is all I’m saying…  unless it was a Catholic Church of course…  cause they have a LOT of flagpoles inside apparently…

Another funny point to this story is the guy forgot I was chained there…  so I was out there like an hour before I just broke the stupid things… they were plastic after all…  so of course when the guy told Gramps I got the switch….

Memories…. they really are precious, precious portals through time aren’t they…

I was doing research online and found that my family came here from Germany in 1789…  and they were Jewish…  Yeah, my first though was “Oh crap… There are like no Jews in show business…”  Maybe I should reconsider…       all this…

SO yeah they were Jewish…  and I guess in 1789 the family name was Walk…  AND they were really PROACTIVE in escaping from Hitler…   kinda fills you with pride really!!!…  they spotted the signs like 140, 145 years before anyone…

But this really opens all kinds of new doors for me as a comedian….  There are so FEW ethnic jokes regarding Judaism…

I’m also part Native America…  Shawnee…  Can you imagine the crap that guy got from his Jewish Mother?!?!….   I figure if I keep researching, I’ll also find I’m part African and Muslim…  and begin bombing myself…

My brother started using that Native American part to get the ladies early on…  Anytime a woman tells him she’s got a little Indian in her,…  he asks her if she’d like a little more…

It’s kind of hard for me…  finding out I’m Jewish, on several levels…  I mean, I come from Hillbillies, so half of the family wants to kill me cause their being targeted by racist organizations now…  the other half wants to kill me cause their being KICKED OUT of their racist organizations…  I feel bad about it…  some of those folks need the Neo-Nazi Bowling League…  it’s the only exercise many of them get…

It’s also hard, because I’m an Atheist…   AND NOW!!!…  NOW I find out that I’m one of God’s ‘chosen’ people…  oops…   but you know now that I’m a CHOSEN ONE…  I may have to reconsider…

It’s also really disappointing finding out my family was Jewish and came here in the late 18th century….  Because in NINE generations not one them accumulated any viable wealth to pass on TO ME!!!….  kind of makes me wonder if we weren’t kicked OUT…  “Alright, Hirahm….  ve’ve been looking at the Zionist conspiracy accounting figures here…  and ve see your not doing your part to take over the vorld here….  SOOO, if you don’t vant to take over the old vorld,…  maybe veel send you to the new…   see vhat you can do over dere…  you do a good job taking over the new vorld maybe… MAYBE ve bring you back.”

Just note that I’m doing this act in the U.S. folks…  I think we know how that turned out….

A North Korean woman was recently executed for giving out free Bibles…  Talk about being a slave to the capitalist system…  Which is odd for a communist country….

So I’m guessing North Korea is now pretty much off the ‘recruiting areas’ list for the Gideon’s and Mormons….

I just think it’s a little to ‘strict’ is all I’m saying…  It’s not like she was passing out copies of Twilight or anything…  Now that would be a crime worthy of the death penalty…

Dear Fucktards ,

Hi there, I’d really like to thank you for helping me to start my week off with a bang!  It was really nice to come out this morning and find upon entering my vehicle (the part where I said ‘my’ is key here) that some scum wad lamer fucktard had stolen my 30GB Video iPod!  I also really enjoyed how you made me late for work as I got to hang around talking to the cop while he dusted my car for prints, he found a couple that were usable so I can only hope that: 1-they are not my prints, and 2-that you are the kind of inbred ass who’s been busted before and are on file.  I also appreciate how you damaged the lock on my car door so I can no longer put my key into it and use it to unlock the vehicle!!  That was COOL you gansta you!!!  Luckily for me I also have keyless entry, so I can still lock and unlock my vehicle if I don’t happen to have a decent screwdriver with me!

Just a couple notes for you on the iPod and the Monster cable you stole so you’ll have a better ‘experience’.  That Monster cable has been in use going on 3 years now and it’s pretty much at the ‘end of life’ for a wire, I hope it sets your family and car on fire while your all sleeping in it tonight!

The iPod itself was actually purchased in early 2005 and the battery does not hold a charge for as long as the specifications state it should, so you’ll need to keep it plugged in if you want to listen for extended periods of time.  Also, you’ll find that using the device to watch video will really drain that sucker quick so I hope you can watch your porn on fast forward and read lips….  No not THOSE lips, the ones up on the actresses skull….

I was actually already going to replace that iPod with an iPhone, I have a need for one being as I’m developing an application for them anyway.  But I’d just like you to know you basically ripped off a 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome since I was going to be giving it (my old iPod) to my son once I got the iPhone.  Since I don’t believe in the whole ‘god’ thing I can’t really wish you to burn in hell, that would just be kind of silly…..   Just like believing in a ‘God’….

I can however hope for this:

You also, in the course of your burglary of my vehicle, decided to steal my back up sunglasses.  First may I just say that you have really great taste in eyewear, what you stole were a pair of Rayban’s (model W2178) that I have had since 1994 (yeah I take good care of my stuff).  The funny thing about those glasses are that in all the time I’ve had them I’ve never once seen another person wearing a pair of them…  We live in a fairly small town here, please, please, please wear them in public!!!  I can only hope that I get to see them placed gently atop your cranium at one point in the near or distant future as I will be making them a permanent part of your skeletal structure….  As your a moronic mouth breathing violently infected penis wrinkle let me explain what his means….   I’m going to be smashing them extremely vigorously and with great speed into your skull, as they will be between my fist and your face!!!  So enjoy them while you can!!!

Regards,

Ed.

–be sure to look for a future ‘Open Letter’ for Apple in regards to their ‘help’ in this situation!!!

Angelina Jolie’s ego overflow, aka ‘Octomom’ (Nadya Suleman) recently said, “the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children”,……

Yeah, maybe that and the fact that her uterus finally fell out when she walked out of the fucking hospital…

I mean I really feel ripped off here people…  In the Middle Ages,  those people got Joan of Ark and we get the an unemployed trollop fucking sponge on society who “just wants to have lots of kids to love” in order to make up for some deficiency in her own life….

Ain’t that sweet…..  BUY A FUCKING PUPPY!!!!   Hell go to the shelter if it’ll make you feel better about yourself but STOP  POLLUTING THE GENE POOL FOR THE REST OF US!!!!  Don’t make me call an ‘Adults Only Swim’ cause I’ll do it….  I’ll pull your stupid ass out of the pool and put you on the bench for everyone to see what a dumb ass you are and how you couldn’t handle the responsibility of actually being in WATER!!!….

I’m also wondering what this say’s about people’s so called “God” and his tremendous decline in standards as of late…  I mean other than Obama he’s not really helping out the right people… Or at the very least the right people aren’t thanking him publicly….

Other than at sporting events…   Oh and celebrity award show ceremonies…