What’s with Cali and the 40 ounce?

I got no “homies” to spill half of this out for,…   that’s why in Florida I only got 16 oz cans…

But those are not available here… I need to meet and befriend more gang members so I can have someone to spill out half of my 40’s for…    eventually...

How’s this sound as an opener as I walk up, “Why Hello there my “Homie” ,…

How’s the gat, in your parlance if you’ll excuse the phrase, hangin’ holmes?”…

I think it shall go well…

A friend of mine didn’t care for this joke, because apparently all jokes are real and I mostly drink Guinness when I drink beer and they don’t actually sell 40 oz’ers…

So I told him, “You know what, your right.  I actually need to meet more Irish Gangsters,… specifically turn of the century Irish Gangsters.  Sort of a Daniel Day Lewis  ‘Bill the Butcher’ type from Gangs of New York”…

I haven’t been to New York in a couple years do they still have that?…   Guys strolling around the City with Meat Cleavers and other tools used in the industrial slaughter of animals?…

If they don’t I’m not sure how I’m going to make this joke real…

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OK, for the most part I’m not really a sports fanatic…  I wrestled as a youth, so I abhor the spectacle of televised wrestling, as well as, most of the crowd it draws….  ALSO damned Nascar….   Duhhh, turn left, duhhhh turn left….  But then my Mom’s second husband did this ‘sport’ for leisure, so I got sick of it at a VERY young age…   Your just paying to see people CRASH, be honest and go to a demolition derby morons…

However, having grown up in ‘corn country’ Nebraska I learned a finer appreciation for the Huskers and the NFL…  I eventually settled on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, as it was the first major city I lived in for an extended time that had a professional team…  Now this was in the ‘creamsicle‘ uniform days so YOU KNOW I’m a real fan…  And I admit I’m looking forward to wearing my Buc’s gear to an away game when they play the Raider’s now that I live in S.F. (of course I’m gonna remain loyal to league and go with the 49ers for my local pic, gee I’m not a savage)…

So I’ve fallen into the Fantasy Football leagues now and unfortunately folks…  I hate to tell you this….  This stuff is HEROIN….

It just makes the game days way more fun!!!   But I do just a simple league that doesn’t cost anything on Sporting News…  I started off ‘just doing it on weekends’ you know…  At parties with friends, socially….  But then you know the next season, well I joined two and the next thing you know it all just ‘seemed normal’…  I mean ALL our friends were doing it and it didn’t seem like it was hurting anybody…  I mean sure I get pissed if I don’t do my trades in time for the next week, but it’s just cause I CARE….

I can quit anytime I want to but this season I DON’T WANT TOO OK!!!  I’ve been getting better every year, I was in the top 3% last year…  I can’t quit NOW….

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I’m not massively into reality show’s, though I do like the Amazing Race series….  but it’s more of a game show to me.  Some of the chef one’s are great, but that’s because it’s always nice to see Gordon Ramsey really shred up some lamer who can’t even dice lettuce, yet want’s to run a half million dollar business…  Yeah, your the comic relief,…  the guy in the red shirt who beams down….  Your dead in the first 4 weeks, quit applying to the shows please…  No one is going to remember you on the ‘reality road tour’…

But some of these make me think of ideas for other reality shows that I think would be great for the next writers strike, so I wanna get the ideas published now…  See you in court.

The Last Sinner Standing: Basically you build a nice big stadium, mount plenty of hidden cameras and you do that sucker up Roman style….  It was public domain for all those years, till right now… Too late bitches!…  We’d also have web coverage and charge people $9.95 per month to watch nothing, ala Big Brother…

Milf Nannies Japanese Banzai Game Show: I assume this one pretty much sells itself and needs no explaination.

Steven Seagal Explains String Theory: Steven Seagal and 42 bad actors are locked in a cabin in Alaska with only whale blubber and mead for 90 days, while Steven explains String Theory and his environmental beliefs.  The whale blubber being, in addition to sustenance, the only source of light AND heat.

After exiting the last actor standing who can accurately explain String Theory (as explained by Mr. Seagal) to an 8th grade Science class, WITHOUT shattering more than 10 wrists, elbow or knee joints combined, wins $50,000 dollars and a chance to tour with Steven sharing a double occupancy room at Super 8 for 18 months to promote this project and anything else that strikes his whimsey.

Look for more exciting television ideas in the future….

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I used to actually like John McCain before he became the current GOP pussy that he is, I mean the guy USED to, or at least appeared to, have some moral fortitude (which is to say it seemed he had alot, at least when compared to the rest of the Republican chattel in American politics) and the balls to stand up against party politics….   If he hadn’t rolled over like a little bitch on roofies I might have even considered voting for him, but he could personally kiss my ass (in the crack WITH tongue) and still say goodbye to that wish now….

This man who once could have been a great president has become a Grumpy Old Man, read this interview with Time and you’ll see what I’m talking about…..   Go ahead, I’ll wait…..

Good now that your back, did you see what a dink the guy is now???….   This is a guy who used to say “No question is a bad question” and now he won’t even answer almost HALF of the damned questions asked by a reporter from Time Magazine?!?!?!….  I mean really these are softball questions and he’s just staring at the reporter?!?!?….   God I wish Hunter S. Thompson was still around and on those press junkets….  I mean that was a man that had the balls to give Nixon hell when the Republinazi’s had almost taken over America….

I’m sorry but the man’s just too OLD to be an effective representative of this country….  I mean he BELIEVED Gore when he said he invented the internet….  The guy is just completely out of touch, could it be that he’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, not that he ever really understood what most American’s lives are truly like….

He’s never had a job OUTSIDE of the government, he’s been on the federal teet since birth, through college (where he graduated 5th FROM THE BOTTOM OF HIS CLASS AT ANNAPOLIS), through the military (where he PROVED he deserved to be 5th from the bottom by getting shot down and not being able to evade the enemy, I’m positive there is a training program SPECIFICALLY for that purpose by the way), then every chance he gets now he likes to bring up the fact that he was a dumb ass who got caught for sympathy points (waaaa, I was a POW, oh YEAH well, waaa I was raised by a mentally unstable woman I think I win, he was only in Hanoi for approximately 5 years I was stuck in my situation for 17) , and then on into the political sector….

Where are the scum bags who gave Kerry (a legitimate American hero who won the Medal of Honor) all that crap back in 2004 and made him look like a dick versus Bush (a legitimate American criminal who did NOT complete his puss out Air National Guard duty cause it would have interfered with his coke binges and beer funnel time)….

Hopefully, John McCain will choke on his Viagra and give the rest of us some relief….

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Jessica Simpson has recently become the spokesperson for a beer company in Texas….

It just seems cruel to me….  Giving all those guys out there with beer goggles HOPE that they’ll wake up with someone that looks like her…  That is the definition of cruel, no?

I mean I know she’s not what you could call a ‘deep vessel’ philosophically…..  None the less I wouldn’t mind probing her depths elsewhere….   What, I don’t want her to talk!!

Plus I don’t have a career in music OR sports that she can jinx so I’m really kind of golden on the ‘mating’ with Jessica Simpson front….   And I gotta admit, I’d really love to just have the chance to bitch slap her Dad for interfering in my relationship….  What a freak that guy is….  Why doesn’t he just get it over and rape his poor daughters…..    The guy is more fixated on his own daughters than all the 12 to 14 year old boys out there that are using them for masturbatory fantasy material combined…..

I wonder how many posters old Joe Simpson has of his daughters on the ceiling???…  I’m just curious.

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Well all right!!! So I SUCCESSFULLY performed at my first open mike night……   Now I know what some of you are saying,  “But ED you seem so professional, handsome and incredibly funny, how could this have been your first time!?!?!”…..  Oh wait the liquor and mescaline are starting to wear off, MY head was saying that.

So I went last night and performed at The BrainWash.  It’s funny but I really did better than I had hoped, I don’t recall getting any crickets, which is a good thing, and everyone seemed to enjoy the jokes I decided to do.  You get about 5 minutes starting out so this is the set list I did last night:

We All Gotta Start Somewhere

John McLaughlin and the Great Cookie Controversy

Your Prostate and You

I quit drinking recently

A Little More on the Drinky, Drink

Black Out Drunk

I’ve never done Crack

I believe this will be the set I am going to be working on for the next few weeks till I get my timing down better.  I got good laughs in the right places but I messed up my wording a couple times.  I really was pretty happy with how it came out being my first live performance and all.

I also would like to just note that the staff at The BrainWash and the hosts Tony Sparks and Kaitlyn (I probably butchered the spelling of her name, sorry Kaitlyn, and I can’t remember her last name, sorry I’ll write it down next time…. Damned Hefeweisen) were both great, Kaitlyn did most of the emceeing and was really funny also.  Ah Ha! Caitlin Gill was the correct spelling and last name of the emcee from last night… Gotta love that internet thingy majig…..  She has no web page but she can be found if you Google her none the less…. remember they are watching you!

The other comics I spent time talking to were also really pretty nice, no one was being a dick (or dickette if you have boobs) and several of them gave me some good tips on a couple other places with open mike nights that I was unaware of here in town.

So based on the little bit of success I had last night, well your just fucking stuck with me now folks!

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