I’ve been working on research and writing a lot recently.  I therefore apologize for my lack of posts to those that actually care about such minor issues and banality.  First I love the writing, it’s the new found paranoia of posting it that is strange, I’m a little concerned about possible pilfering due to some of my research.  Not that I’m some kind of genius, it’s just there is only so much reality for everyone trying to do this to work from but then again some people are just flat out hacks.

One of the things I’ve been doing, in addition to a LOT of reading about writing comedy, is watching and listening to some people I’ve always liked but didn’t really “hit it big” as it were.  Yet they’re still making a living (in some cases 25 to 40 years), which honestly is pretty much were I’d like to be at once I’m done with this transition.  So if you like comedy here are a few comics with some really brilliant Podcasts that can be gotten from multiple sources. I use iTunes, but I’m going to link directly to the artists site, so you can get it how you want it from there.

Marc Maron: He’s got the WTF Podcast and it is just a great resource so listen, a couple comics (from all levels of the industry) talk about comedy on pretty much every level (business to artistic).  His interview with Carlos Mencia is probably one of the most stunning things I’ve ever heard.  And for Mencia to not even realize he’s admitting he’s a hack is mind boggling.  He flat out says his first experience he went out and got a joke book and then did them on stage.  How can he not realize that’s what makes him a hack?  My first experience I wrote every thing I did, it was mostly easy jokes but it worked and made me want to get better.  I got laughs and the fact that I wrote them is what made me really get charged about this, sure they were hack jokes about drinking and the attitude is what made them work.  But it made me want to WRITE better material, all Mencia could have felt is “I have to GET more material”.  I’m sure he was charged but he had to have wondered where he was going to get his next bit from, I knew I could create more and I think that’s the difference between a real comic and a hack.

Doug Benson: Just a funny guy with a good act and I like his podcast Doug Love Movies (formerly I Love Movies) for the array of guests and the way the show is done.  It’s mostly live in a theatre (that’s how they spell it dammit!) in LA called the UCB (you know but if not google).  Tons of other comedians and it’s mostly an improv movie themed show so it’s just a fun listen.

David Feldman: This guy is a writer/performer who’s great and makes me laugh a lot.  His podcast is mostly interviews and comedy sketches which is great.  You don’t get many audio comedy sketches outside of Harry Shearer radio shows and his can get a little dry, so this is a really good show to listen to as you drive or work on dangerous machinery after drinking cough syrup.

Will Durst: Another great writer/performer.  He was on a podcast I heard of David Feldman’s but he does one himself that is available on audible.com for purchase.  He’s also got CD’s for sale on his site and has written some books which are great reads as well.  He’s been around for years and I remember seeing him back in the 80′s (when I should have started doing comedy) and along with Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison and George Carlin, he’s one of those guys I think I most admired.  But somehow he fell off the national scene, to move out here and find that he’s still active is one of the best things I’ve discovered over the past few years.  So check him out as well.

Ritch Shydner: He’s one of two comics that wrote and compiled a book called “I Killed” that is an excellent read that will make you laugh out loud.  He’s a great comic and he’s in a documentary I watched recently.

There are some great documentaries out there too.  If enough people want to know what I’ve been watching there just drop a comment and I’ll put that together in the future.

I’ve not watched much of their current comedy stuff, as I don’t want to accidentally contaminate my brain with someone I respects ideas, but I’ve been listening to podcasts, watching documentaries about comedy and reading books by comedians I respect and who’s writing I enjoy.  So one of the more pressing things I’ve gleaned from a great deal of this research is the need to be wary of hacks that steal, thereby bypassing the realm of Loserville a new online game from Zynga!

So my next step, now that I’ve started to learn to write a better actual ‘bit’ and I’m starting to like what I’m seeing.  I’m going to be concentrating on getting more actual stage time.  My first goal is to start doing an open mic at least 5 nights a week by the end of August.  That goal is central to my second goal: to get my first really tight 5 to 7 minute set.  Once that’s done then goal three is to actually start auditioning or getting some actual paying features/opening sets and build from there to a 20 minute set.

This will be the next year or so of my life…  Oh wait, I’m still also a husband and Dad of 2 kids in their early teens, one of whom has Down Syndrome…  At least karma and the daily news shall continue to provide the material!

Living with 2 kids, a 9 yr old and a 13 year old (Down Syndrome or not), is like living with a little law firm…  It’s frustrating…  I mean I have myself to blame…  I’m the one that taught them to think “out of the box” so there you go right?…

Kid would ask me about a shooting star and he gets a 20 minute dissertation on meteorites, micro meteorites, “space junk”, and the perils of polluting our atmosphere…  So now it takes me 40 fucking minutes to get the little turds into bed…

And what you want to do is go “GET YOUR ASS IN BED!!! OR YOUR GOING TO LEARN ABOUT THERMAL DYNAMICS WHEN MY HAND MEETS YOUR ASS!!!”…

And then your explaining to him as you give him swats that this is what the Earth felt like when the Asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit Latin America…

You don’t do that but you think it….

I must now repeat this phrase in my head for the next 9 business days…

I just found out the moron who I’ve been carrying on this project for the last 6 months is going to be ‘retained’ (because he’s willing to take a pay cut) while I will be leaving (because I refuse to take a pay cut)…

This is a guy who while on our project ‘together’ did at most 20% to 25% of the workload, took 2 to 3 hour lunches, refused to follow instructions, cannot retain information unless it is tattooed on his forehead backwards and a mirror is in hand, showed up late 95% of his shifts (while making sure to leave ‘right on time’) in addition to scamming the company out of overtime pay by fabricating his time on site from the ether, and is constantly waving the ‘family issues’ banner (poor little him)…

Guess who did the other 75% to 80%… Showed up on time everyday… Did the job to the letter… Worked all the overtime he charged and probably even ‘gifted’ the company some time cause he didn’t want to bother to figure out the percentage of 5 minutes in an hour… Took on additional responsibilities…  Has a son with Down Syndrome amongst his brood and was still at work everyday ontime and rarely missed a shift…

The results of the project: According to the company I am currently working for (national company mind you) and their own little ‘flag waving aren’t we great’ e-mail blasts they send to everyone in the nation.  “We” (I) set the standard nation wide, when we went live (meaning all our work was being used ‘in production’) there were less than 1% of the issues reported that were the result of  ‘our groups’ work.  Meaning the moron they had me working with let something slip by that I was unable to catch like I did most of the other times he screwed up!

Why won’t I take a pay cut? Let’s see… I set the STANDARD NATION F’ING WIDE!!…  I gave a substantial break on my hourly rate when I took the gig originally because it was close to my home and it was to be a temp to perm gig…  Then when I was told the job was NOT going to become a perm position (5 months into my “3 month temp to perm” contract) and I was required to drive triple the mileage for the next 6 months if I wanted to remain here I negotiated a raise to compensate for the additional cost which was agreed upon and a contract signed…  Two weeks later I was told I would not be getting the ‘contractually agreed upon’ increase and additionally I would be required to take a 7.5% decrease in pay to retain my position…

Oh and most importantly… I DON’T HAVE TOO!!!

I refused to take the cut in pay (again mind you, I gave them a substantial rate break in the beginning remember) .

Yeah, businesses and the technology industry deserve what they get when they treat the people who truly care about their jobs in this manner and keep the congenitally moronic and lazy.

Dear Fucktards ,

Hi there, I’d really like to thank you for helping me to start my week off with a bang!  It was really nice to come out this morning and find upon entering my vehicle (the part where I said ‘my’ is key here) that some scum wad lamer fucktard had stolen my 30GB Video iPod!  I also really enjoyed how you made me late for work as I got to hang around talking to the cop while he dusted my car for prints, he found a couple that were usable so I can only hope that: 1-they are not my prints, and 2-that you are the kind of inbred ass who’s been busted before and are on file.  I also appreciate how you damaged the lock on my car door so I can no longer put my key into it and use it to unlock the vehicle!!  That was COOL you gansta you!!!  Luckily for me I also have keyless entry, so I can still lock and unlock my vehicle if I don’t happen to have a decent screwdriver with me!

Just a couple notes for you on the iPod and the Monster cable you stole so you’ll have a better ‘experience’.  That Monster cable has been in use going on 3 years now and it’s pretty much at the ‘end of life’ for a wire, I hope it sets your family and car on fire while your all sleeping in it tonight!

The iPod itself was actually purchased in early 2005 and the battery does not hold a charge for as long as the specifications state it should, so you’ll need to keep it plugged in if you want to listen for extended periods of time.  Also, you’ll find that using the device to watch video will really drain that sucker quick so I hope you can watch your porn on fast forward and read lips….  No not THOSE lips, the ones up on the actresses skull….

I was actually already going to replace that iPod with an iPhone, I have a need for one being as I’m developing an application for them anyway.  But I’d just like you to know you basically ripped off a 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome since I was going to be giving it (my old iPod) to my son once I got the iPhone.  Since I don’t believe in the whole ‘god’ thing I can’t really wish you to burn in hell, that would just be kind of silly…..   Just like believing in a ‘God’….

I can however hope for this:

You also, in the course of your burglary of my vehicle, decided to steal my back up sunglasses.  First may I just say that you have really great taste in eyewear, what you stole were a pair of Rayban’s (model W2178) that I have had since 1994 (yeah I take good care of my stuff).  The funny thing about those glasses are that in all the time I’ve had them I’ve never once seen another person wearing a pair of them…  We live in a fairly small town here, please, please, please wear them in public!!!  I can only hope that I get to see them placed gently atop your cranium at one point in the near or distant future as I will be making them a permanent part of your skeletal structure….  As your a moronic mouth breathing violently infected penis wrinkle let me explain what his means….   I’m going to be smashing them extremely vigorously and with great speed into your skull, as they will be between my fist and your face!!!  So enjoy them while you can!!!

Regards,

Ed.

–be sure to look for a future ‘Open Letter’ for Apple in regards to their ‘help’ in this situation!!!

Well this morning started off as usual, then once I had gotten everyone out the door on the way to their respective places in the world I turned to news….  I knew it was today, I just hadn’t planned on getting drawn into a ‘real time’ replay on MSNBC of the morning’s coverage from 9/11/01….

I was working in Orlando at the time, actually it was for a large international private airline company…  They specialized in flying around VIP’s and servicing their aircraft and such…  But I was in my office listening to Howard Stern, then one of the crew from his show came in the studio and said a plane had hit one of the towers…

The kicker is I knew right away in my gut it was a terrorist attack and I knew it was most likely Osama Bin Laden’s organization, I had actually discussed the stupidity of the way the attack on the twin towers was done in 1993 with a car bomb….  I had told a friend that intercontinental domestic flights full of fuel would be the way to go….  Then on THIS morning it happened….  My friend was actually one of the first people to call me cause it freaked him out that I was right, me too a bit…

I mean I don’t know if it’s because I’ve moved around so much in my life, but I’m just able to ‘step out’ and see things from other peoples perspective…  I believe it’s mostly about empathy, not in the ‘Star Trek’ sense I’m not psychic, I can just understand what people are feeling and thinking, or will, be thinking in the future based on previous behavior….   It’s kind of creepy to the people around me, I can tell what your thinking by the look on your face and your body language…

Someone once called me an ‘eideteker’, meaning I have a visually cued memory like people who are eidetic, which is absolutely true, but I hesitate to use that term as most people think a visual memory is like ‘photographic memory’….  I don’t remember specific images in exact detail, I remember patterns and that’s why I can ‘connect the dots’ and see where it’s going quickly…

It’s been an immense help when it comes to raising a son with Down Syndrome, I know what’s bothering him even when he can’t express it, so it’s got it’s bonuses too…  But mostly it creeps people out….  I’ve profiled serial killers based on newspaper and televised reports…  Usually, when they catch them, I find I’m roughly correct in at least 2/3rds of my assessment, sometimes more…  I don’t think that’s half bad considering I’m not seeing most of the case details…

So I heard it on Stern first (about the first plane) and went ahead and told everyone in the office, we all started listening and watching the news….  My wife has alot of family in New York City, her brother actually had an apartment not too far north in lower mid-town Manhattan, so my first thought was of him as he lived closer than anyone else I knew…  He didn’t regularly work in the district, but he did have occasion to be there…  We just hoped he wasn’t there that day and waited to hear back from anyone in the family that heard from him first…  Then several of my wife’s uncles work in the city as well so it was just a really shitty day…  Even after you found out everyone you knew was ok it really didn’t make it feel any better as you knew how much more pain was still ‘flying around’ out there…  Then shortly after the second plane hit the south tower, the company made the decision to close the office for the day and everyone went home…

It saddens me even more that the current administration has taken this tragedy and used it to chip away at the civil rights which are any citizen of this country’s birth right…  It saddens me the way they have used fear and intimidation to force people who disagreed with them to ‘change their tune’ or be dragged to the city square while being accused of ‘anti-patriotism’ the whole way…  I guess we should just be glad they didn’t want to ‘test’ them and make sure they weren’t witches by seeing if they ‘float’….

Part of being a patriot is having the courage to stand up to others, ESPECIALLY when those ‘others’ are using fear mongering and disinformation to rob EVERY American (and future generations of Americans) of the freedoms which we were guaranteed….

Now I know I’m a liberal, yeah SHOCKER right???…  But I’m also a Veteran, I just had the good fortune to have only had to TRAIN OBSESSIVELY for war and never face a deployment….   I trained for them, I was in a deployment ready combat unit, I took my chances I just lucked out…  If you call being discharged with an undiagnosed broken back (L4 vertebrae injury) and no disability pension lucky….

See even though I don’t always agree with the leadership chosen for this nation, I believe IN THIS NATION at least collectively…  I know that more than half of this country feels the way I do, it’s just too bad that I’m in the minority of that percentage in that I ALSO VOTE!!!!  See once you let them (them being politicians) vote away your rights, I can assure you they won’t be returning them “after the conflict is over”….  There is no end, ergo your rights will NEVER BE RETURNED once removed…

Everything has changed for me in 7 years, I have a new career, a new home, I’m in a new state and I’m working on my stand up…  I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but that’s due to my work and my wife’s work toward those goals, it had nothing to do with President Bush or his policies (or regarding domestic policies, LACK OF THEM)….

American citizens need to learn to be more vigilant and self protecting…  No one is ever going to be 100% safe, even with the current ‘my buddy’ governmental system which more resembles ‘big brother’ once you look past the surface….  You need to be more responsible for yourself and quit hoping for the ‘government’ to protect you, as that’s how they have been able to take advantage of the majority of you for the past 7 years…  By predicating your natural fears…

Remember the Victims of 9/11 NOT THE RHETORIC…  Remember that they all loved this country for what it made available to them before anything else….  Freedom.

I can blame my encyclopedic knowledge of obscure and horrid 80′s films for realizing the frightening truth of this conspiracy,….   my spouse feels a ‘dream job’ for me would be a ‘Beer Master/Film Critic’….

Over the course of the last few days, as Sarah Palin’s life has become the ‘open book’ that is American Politics….  I’m sure Jefferson, Washington and Adams would be thrilled with our progress….   In that we can smear ALL people much more efficiently now…

As a father of a kid with Down Syndrome I don’t much sympathize for her…  She’s chosen her career over a kid that needs extra care from the people who love him the most, my wife and I readjusted our lives and changed careers so we could have more flexibility to provide for him…  We didn’t expect it, but we’ve become a better family for it…

So her other kid’s pregnancy I can also relate to as that happened to me as well, I’m sorry for the daughter, I’m sorry for the boyfriend, the kid’s a hockey player, who’s getting a ‘shotgun wedding‘ (though his myspace page was great, as he was honest in saying he didn’t want a kid and of course they made him take it down, but I’m sure you could Google a story on it)…

So hearing all this I’m thinking “You know, the Republican party REALLY IS the traditional party.”…  I mean I haven’t seen a good forced marriage since I was in hillbilly country (southern Indiana, N. Kentucky)…  I mean I’ve had ‘corn squeezin’s‘ before, it’s great stuff too, once your vision comes back…

Some of my family’s most dysfunctional situations started out JUST like those kid’s so GOD BLESS EM  I say…  There aren’t ENOUGH angry young parents out there to beat their kid’s now a day’s right?

I’m also listening and it hits me…  This WHOLE THING is the script from one of Rob Lowe’s FINEST films of the 80′s ‘Youngblood‘, which also stars Cynthia Gibb, so YOU KNOW IT’s gotta be great…  Actually, I believe she is topless in this one so it may be worth viewing again on fast forward…  But that’s beside the point…

So now I’ve realized the DEPTH of the Republinazi’s conspiracy…  Spread the word people…  Keep your eye’s out in the news for upcoming sure fire moments from the Republican party…

I heard a woman on the news from Minnesota (don’t cha know)…  Talking about how she likes Palin cause she’s ‘entertaining’…  Great, this stupid bitch is going to vote for McCain cause she feel’s it’s the party that’s gonna give her more ‘Desperate Housewives‘ moments when she watches the news…  What the hell is wrong with the other citizens in my county???

It’s like they’ve (the RNC) directly lifted the passage from ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy‘….  “The president’s REAL job is to distract people from where the REAL power lie”…. I’m paraphrasing of course, but it’s true here too SUCH an extreme and it’s like no one else is paying attention because it’s SCIENCE fiction…  If fucking Danielle Steele had written it there would be 55 million screaming housewives hanging effigies of McCain in the streets…

So remember keep looking for future moments out of the RNC from your favorite 80′s show’s and movies:

You’ll be seeing the ‘don’t do drugs’ episode of ‘Family Ties‘ or anything starring Kirk Cameron, though I gotta admit he PROBABLY signed over the rights to the RNC…

There will HAVE to be everyone’s FAVORITE ‘rock out’ montage moment from Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink Revenge of the Nerds or The Breakfast Club…

Look for John McCain, in silhouette, dancing his way through a barn and around dangerous farming implements ala Kevin Bacon in ‘Footloose‘….  By the way, it’s NOT REALLY McCain in the long shot’s, I just want to let you folks down in advance…

I’d say the RNC has ‘jumped the shark’ but jump the shark jumped the shark when they became popular right???