Over the next few weeks I’m working on memorizing a new set (5-7 minutes) to start doing at the open mics starting in the beginning of August here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Most of my stuff I think of on the fly will still be going up to twitter so you can see some jokes there and I will probably just repost the thoughts here as well until I start to work out the rest of the bit.

But I’m not going to be posting what I consider to be a finished ‘starting bit’ (that being a beginning of a bit that is not entirely developed like maybe about a 30 second to 1 minute joke which can eventually grow to a 5 or 10 minute bit if it seems popular and you keep adding to it). Those ‘starting bits’ are basically the type of the stuff I’ve posted here over the years.

None of them are the same anymore, so whatever I’m working on (I’m not telling) is not the same as what was written here. It’s gotten better!

I’m pretty satisfied with the way my writing has progressed over the last two years, when I look back it’s easy for me to see the changes and progression from being too ‘wordy’ (a lesson learned by doing an open mic and working the joke on stage) to better use of imagery and language. I also learned a major lesson one night in that I will NEVER AGAIN count on a club providing a needed prop for a joke (I was counting on a working Mic stand, silly me, as part of a joke). And at this time I’ve only been out about 16 times in the last 2 years.

So this is the point I am at in my Comedy/Writing career:
–Building what I feel will be my first decently written and original 5-7 minute set.
–Beginning to work that material on stage more frequently, people at my house laugh at my stuff but they don’t want to sit through the show 5 nights a week. My goal is to be going out to an Open Mic five nights a week by the end of August 2010. I have places I know of for Wednesday and Thursday nights, so I need to figure out the other 3 nights that fit in best with my personal family life.
–Goal, try to get paid in actual American currency for doing my stuff before the end of 2010.

So there we go three reasonable goals for me. What’s on your list?

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Statistically speaking, if you’re going to be shot, you’re going to be shot by someone you know

Personally speaking, if I’m going to be shot, I’d prefer an to be shot by an expert

I figure there are fewer ‘issues’ that way…

The problem is, I’m the only expert marksman I know personally, and I don’t believe in using guns for suicide…

Why give the anti-gun lobbies any more ammunition…

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I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference.  At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start.  In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up.  Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.

Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.

I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group.  It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast.  But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.

Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners.  And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book.  They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics.  They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing.  This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!

When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown.  Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character.  The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people).  She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right.  So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.

Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever.  They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?”  End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.

Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park.  I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved…  But I digress.

Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised.  This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders.  If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy.  Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!

I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’  in joke).  During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again.  I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up.  It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.

About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash.  I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong.  I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?”  But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints.  In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches.  It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!

I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?”  His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.”  And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.

This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist!  There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly.  But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics!  The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports.  That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action.  Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.

So what do we learn from all this?  Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy.  But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.

If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.

Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!

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Clifford Stoll was an internet pundit back in the mid 90’s. I saw him give a lecture when I was in college for Computer Science at Cameron University in OK, where education is blowin’ cross the plains (sorry I broke out into the musical Oklahoma for a second there)…

ANYWAY, Cliff said the internet would never work because we’re all basically “people who need people” (are the luckiest people… maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep to ‘Westside Story’…). He had a book out at the time which is referenced above when you click the link attached to his name.

A friend and I were talking about it recently so this is for you Paul, where are they now?  Blowing useless glass objects and selling them on the internet!

Not everyone with wacky hair can be a Nostradamus.

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I tend to go to Vegas or Reno as it’s nearer, on occasion, as they’re a mecca of decadence and ‘proof in practice’ of the capitalist pig dog system into which I had the good fortune of being born.  I enjoy the rancor and noise as it’s usually going on in MY HEAD anyway so I like to see OTHERS experience it as a physical reality and try to concentrate as I have to on a daily basis.

Though I tend to spend most of my time at the Craps tables, where the smart bettor can make money no matter what way the dice are rolling, but occasionally I’ll go to the Blackjack table too.  In order to lick my wounds and make my money back after falling victim to being near a moron at the Craps table…  You’ve seen them, they shouldn’t be allowed on the floor, it’s like you feel the ice once a cooler rolls into the place.

I have however noticed an improvement when I decide to go to the sports book and bet some games.  Now sports betting is the ONE stupid thing I’ll do at a casino, and it’s ONLY on the NFL…  I never used to bet on it, sports betting is one of the worst odds bets in the world.  No matter how good the team all you need is for a moron like T.O., that’s Terrell Owens not Tom Osborne, to screw it up and blow all the odds off the board by dropping the ball!  I mean it’s like people totally forget that they pay people to just blow the spread, you don’t even have to lose the game, just don’t beat the spread.  Win by 6 instead of 7 or more and a LOT of people don’t win BUT the people who bet AGAINST the spread do.  Does no one remember the Boston College basketball scandals?  Poor Henry Hill, unless he’s on Howard Stern no one remembers him enough to want to whack him…

But the point is that thanks to Fantasy Football, when I do want to bet on football now it’s generally a much quicker experience.  It’s probably helped to save the sports books in Nevada, not just Fantasy Football but Baseball, NHL and even NASCAR.  They all have fantasy leagues, which leads to people knowing alot more about a particular sport just on a general knowledge basis.  It’s just a fact.  Your researching for your free leagues, I know I do it too.  The fact remains however that humans like to put knowledge to USE.  It’s in our ‘nature’ to want to apply that knowledge to good and productive effort.  Beating someone else out of some green seems a natural and healthy way to do so while not just sitting for hours on end in a casino.  See you can bet on sports in the morning before the odds change then go out with the kids to one of the MANY fine places to take the kids in the new “family friendly” Las Vegas…  Yeah, that was a poorly conceived ad campaign.  Vegas is no fun for kids, it’s really not alot of fun for short people in general.  My spouse is well lets just say she’s not tall, ALOT not tall, she’s as short as a woman can be and still get into the U.S. Army…  But it makes me, as an ‘average height’ American male, feel incredibly HUGE.  So that’s what’s important here.

So go to Vegas America, this next Great Depression we’re seeing on the horizon can be stopped from out there in the desert.  All you need is a BIG wad of stinky green cash, a bunch of weed, several cases of poppers, some good mescaline and crushed up ‘No-Doze’ to snort when the Coke runs out, cause ALL THE BOOZE IS FREE WHILE YOUR GAMBLING (this INCLUDES Wild Turkey Rare Breed)!!!

It’s where W plans to put up his Presidential Library as soon as he falls off the wagon.  At least this will be a retirement to see, the public reversion to the slime from whence he came, it’s a good thing Sinatra is dead.  Word on the street is George W. owed him 50K from a night of binging in the old Flamingo back in the late 70’s.  Frank Sr. woulda whacked him and there is nothing 41 coulda done about it.  Cause it’s ‘old school’.

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Sarah Palin is a nit, as are her speech writers and teleprompter operators…  Learn to give a speech in front of a group if you… want….  to…. get…   on…  the stage…    Sorry we’re not all wearing antlers down here in the ‘lower 48′ sister…    We’re not all a member of the local Moose lodge…   Many of us are Elk or Eagles…  Even the occasional drunken Shriner….

I love how they (at the RNC) rip on the ‘set’ from Obama’s ‘show’ but they think we don’t notice the ‘subtle’ CROSS imagery when they put that big platform out there for McCain to give his speech from…   In all the long shots it looked just like he was standing on a giant cross…   All he needed was a couple nails through his hands and Mel Gibson beating the bejesus out of him and it would have been perfect

As he’s CRUICIFIED for our country…   Poor little McCain…     You know I had it worse, my mother was mentally unbalanced…    I was held prisoner for 17 YEARS…    He only did about 5 and a HALF…    Did the Viet Cong make him go get his own SWITCHES???…

I think not…

(I thought of this last night and luckily ‘The Jimmy Kimmel Show’ had the perfect clip I needed, enjoy)

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