I was doing research online and found that my family came here from Germany in 1789…  and they were Jewish…  Yeah, my first though was “Oh crap… There are like no Jews in show business…”  Maybe I should reconsider…       all this…

SO yeah they were Jewish…  and I guess in 1789 the family name was Walk…  AND they were really PROACTIVE in escaping from Hitler…   kinda fills you with pride really!!!…  they spotted the signs like 140, 145 years before anyone…

But this really opens all kinds of new doors for me as a comedian….  There are so FEW ethnic jokes regarding Judaism…

I’m also part Native America…  Shawnee…  Can you imagine the crap that guy got from his Jewish Mother?!?!….   I figure if I keep researching, I’ll also find I’m part African and Muslim…  and begin bombing myself…

My brother started using that Native American part to get the ladies early on…  Anytime a woman tells him she’s got a little Indian in her,…  he asks her if she’d like a little more…

It’s kind of hard for me…  finding out I’m Jewish, on several levels…  I mean, I come from Hillbillies, so half of the family wants to kill me cause their being targeted by racist organizations now…  the other half wants to kill me cause their being KICKED OUT of their racist organizations…  I feel bad about it…  some of those folks need the Neo-Nazi Bowling League…  it’s the only exercise many of them get…

It’s also hard, because I’m an Atheist…   AND NOW!!!…  NOW I find out that I’m one of God’s ‘chosen’ people…  oops…   but you know now that I’m a CHOSEN ONE…  I may have to reconsider…

It’s also really disappointing finding out my family was Jewish and came here in the late 18th century….  Because in NINE generations not one them accumulated any viable wealth to pass on TO ME!!!….  kind of makes me wonder if we weren’t kicked OUT…  “Alright, Hirahm….  ve’ve been looking at the Zionist conspiracy accounting figures here…  and ve see your not doing your part to take over the vorld here….  SOOO, if you don’t vant to take over the old vorld,…  maybe veel send you to the new…   see vhat you can do over dere…  you do a good job taking over the new vorld maybe… MAYBE ve bring you back.”

Just note that I’m doing this act in the U.S. folks…  I think we know how that turned out….


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Qwerty keyboards suck for bolgging….


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I have an idea for another iPhone Application that I’m going to begin developing…

It’s a video game you can play using your colonoscopy feed streaming live as the background image…  Right now the ‘working title’ is “Anal Invaders”….  But that may change after I do some market research….

I figure it will give patients with an iPhone (or 3G phone) something to do while their on the table with that video camera up their bum….


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I must now repeat this phrase in my head for the next 9 business days…

I just found out the moron who I’ve been carrying on this project for the last 6 months is going to be ‘retained’ (because he’s willing to take a pay cut) while I will be leaving (because I refuse to take a pay cut)…

This is a guy who while on our project ‘together’ did at most 20% to 25% of the workload, took 2 to 3 hour lunches, refused to follow instructions, cannot retain information unless it is tattooed on his forehead backwards and a mirror is in hand, showed up late 95% of his shifts (while making sure to leave ‘right on time’) in addition to scamming the company out of overtime pay by fabricating his time on site from the ether, and is constantly waving the ‘family issues’ banner (poor little him)…

Guess who did the other 75% to 80%… Showed up on time everyday… Did the job to the letter… Worked all the overtime he charged and probably even ‘gifted’ the company some time cause he didn’t want to bother to figure out the percentage of 5 minutes in an hour… Took on additional responsibilities…  Has a son with Down Syndrome amongst his brood and was still at work everyday ontime and rarely missed a shift…

The results of the project: According to the company I am currently working for (national company mind you) and their own little ‘flag waving aren’t we great’ e-mail blasts they send to everyone in the nation.  “We” (I) set the standard nation wide, when we went live (meaning all our work was being used ‘in production’) there were less than 1% of the issues reported that were the result of  ‘our groups’ work.  Meaning the moron they had me working with let something slip by that I was unable to catch like I did most of the other times he screwed up!

Why won’t I take a pay cut? Let’s see… I set the STANDARD NATION F’ING WIDE!!…  I gave a substantial break on my hourly rate when I took the gig originally because it was close to my home and it was to be a temp to perm gig…  Then when I was told the job was NOT going to become a perm position (5 months into my “3 month temp to perm” contract) and I was required to drive triple the mileage for the next 6 months if I wanted to remain here I negotiated a raise to compensate for the additional cost which was agreed upon and a contract signed…  Two weeks later I was told I would not be getting the ‘contractually agreed upon’ increase and additionally I would be required to take a 7.5% decrease in pay to retain my position…

Oh and most importantly… I DON’T HAVE TOO!!!

I refused to take the cut in pay (again mind you, I gave them a substantial rate break in the beginning remember) .

Yeah, businesses and the technology industry deserve what they get when they treat the people who truly care about their jobs in this manner and keep the congenitally moronic and lazy.


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but then what else can you expect from an MCSE/Comedian

So for those of you out there who are also involved with tech as a day job and you then get stuck in a shop that uses Lotus, as opposed to Exchange like virtually every other company on the face of the planet, I recently found this link and there are several others if you just Google….

But the point is if you haven’t used Lotus since around 1996 or 1997 this and the others like it are a good free resource from IBM to get yourself caught up…


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Dear Fucktards ,

Hi there, I’d really like to thank you for helping me to start my week off with a bang!  It was really nice to come out this morning and find upon entering my vehicle (the part where I said ‘my’ is key here) that some scum wad lamer fucktard had stolen my 30GB Video iPod!  I also really enjoyed how you made me late for work as I got to hang around talking to the cop while he dusted my car for prints, he found a couple that were usable so I can only hope that: 1-they are not my prints, and 2-that you are the kind of inbred ass who’s been busted before and are on file.  I also appreciate how you damaged the lock on my car door so I can no longer put my key into it and use it to unlock the vehicle!!  That was COOL you gansta you!!!  Luckily for me I also have keyless entry, so I can still lock and unlock my vehicle if I don’t happen to have a decent screwdriver with me!

Just a couple notes for you on the iPod and the Monster cable you stole so you’ll have a better ‘experience’.  That Monster cable has been in use going on 3 years now and it’s pretty much at the ‘end of life’ for a wire, I hope it sets your family and car on fire while your all sleeping in it tonight!

The iPod itself was actually purchased in early 2005 and the battery does not hold a charge for as long as the specifications state it should, so you’ll need to keep it plugged in if you want to listen for extended periods of time.  Also, you’ll find that using the device to watch video will really drain that sucker quick so I hope you can watch your porn on fast forward and read lips….  No not THOSE lips, the ones up on the actresses skull….

I was actually already going to replace that iPod with an iPhone, I have a need for one being as I’m developing an application for them anyway.  But I’d just like you to know you basically ripped off a 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome since I was going to be giving it (my old iPod) to my son once I got the iPhone.  Since I don’t believe in the whole ‘god’ thing I can’t really wish you to burn in hell, that would just be kind of silly…..   Just like believing in a ‘God’….

I can however hope for this:

You also, in the course of your burglary of my vehicle, decided to steal my back up sunglasses.  First may I just say that you have really great taste in eyewear, what you stole were a pair of Rayban’s (model W2178) that I have had since 1994 (yeah I take good care of my stuff).  The funny thing about those glasses are that in all the time I’ve had them I’ve never once seen another person wearing a pair of them…  We live in a fairly small town here, please, please, please wear them in public!!!  I can only hope that I get to see them placed gently atop your cranium at one point in the near or distant future as I will be making them a permanent part of your skeletal structure….  As your a moronic mouth breathing violently infected penis wrinkle let me explain what his means….   I’m going to be smashing them extremely vigorously and with great speed into your skull, as they will be between my fist and your face!!!  So enjoy them while you can!!!

Regards,

Ed.

–be sure to look for a future ‘Open Letter’ for Apple in regards to their ‘help’ in this situation!!!


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